I don't have money to go see a counselor again. I don't even have anymore anti-depressants. Actually, I do have some, but they expired a year ago, maybe more. But I think I need help or I'm afraid I'm not going to make it. Maybe I can see a counselor at school? ... I wish I had someone to talk to, someone I trust. But then I don't want to burden anyone with my problems. I feel like I can't tell my family either. My mom's been so depressed lately too. I can't tell her how I feel because she's going through her own problems. I don't want to worry her with mine. The second person I'm closest to is my younger brother. But growing up he learned to push away and ignore the sadness and pain from our childhood. I think for him, he'd rather forget and move on... I don't think he knows how to deal with other's problems, especially his family's.
So I figured since this was my blog I can at least write my feelings out. One of things that is constantly in my mind is school. I've missed so much.. I'm so behind. I'm afraid I'll get in trouble... I'm afraid of what my instructors will say to me. I'm afraid of getting suspended from financial aid. I'm afraid of what my employers will say. Why do I have to be this way? Why do I have to be so afraid of what will happen. All I can think of is how my day will play out tomorrow. What will happen. It's making my anxiety rise & I feel so stressed. I'm tired of the pain in my chest that I get from this constant worrying.
Another thing stressing me out is my mom. My mom suffers from Depression too. But lately she's been getting to me. She's been worrying a lot about her granddaughter and she'll start crying cause she misses her. It makes me feel helpless when I see her like that. I start thinking about my aunt who passed away in Feb. 2008. She was also always depressed because of her grandchild that passed away. I'm just tired. Every time my mom gets sad about my niece it makes me want to scream. I wish she could just move on. I understand she misses her granddaughter but what can she do about it? My niece is with her mom and we can't do anything about it if her mom decides to stay living in another state.
My dog Sora is another one of my stresses. I'm so scared... I'm afraid he's going to die soon. And it's my fault. Ever since my parents made my dog stay outside permanently I've neglected him. I would get so caught up in other things that I'd forget about him. And now because of my negligence poor Sora is getting sick. He can't even open his eye, and when I try to get his eye to open it's so hard and he'll start to get scared and try to bite me and then he won't let me get close to him. I'm so scared he's going to get sicker or go blind or die. If he dies I'm going to feel so awful because I know I didn't do a good job in caring for him. And then I feel so worthless because I don't have the money to take him to the vet. I don't even have the money to pay for my hospital bill for when I went to the doctor last week. And I can't ask my parents because they're already helping me with my current bills and they're having money problems too so I know there's no way they'll help me pay for Sora. Maybe I should find him a new home, someone who'll take better care of him. But the thought of not having him makes me sad. I feel like I'm going to be lonely without him because I feel like I don't have anyone else. But then keeping him just so I won't feel lonely is so selfish. He deserves better.
Anyways... I'm afraid. ;_;
Labels: depression, family, life, sora, stress
