Ever since I was a little kid I have always blushed easily. It's one of the things about myself that I really dislike. I'm always finding myself blushing easily. I think it's because of my personality. I'm the type of person who is always thinking in my mind. I always have all sorts of thoughts in my mind. Every time I see a person I always think about them, like what they're feeling or what kind of person they are. I'm very intuitive.
I've been thinking a lot about personalities lately because in my Human Relations class it's what we've been talking about lately. I took the Jung Personality Test a couple of weeks ago and my personality type is INFJ - Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging. After doing some research in this type I was like "wow, this sounds just like me". But I've always known the way I'm at, after all, I'm always thinking about my feelings, emotions, and thoughts.
Anyways, back to the blushing thing -- I hate it. It happens all the time. One example is when I'm in class. I hate being put on the spot. Or if a teacher asks a question and I answer it I find myself blushing while and after I answer. Another time was when I was talking to this really cute guy I had a crush on. We were just having a regular conversation, but I could feel my face starting to get hot and flushed. And to make things worse, he even asked why I was blushing! I'm like, wtf?! Why the hell are you asking me this? It only made it worse. Oh, and my response to him: "Um, I dunno, I just blush easily". >_<
I'm not stupid though, I know why I blush. It's because I always feel that I'm going to be judged. I'm always afraid that someone is watching me and thinking stuff about me. I think this connects to my social phobia/social anxiety.
I've been actually noticing that my social anxiety is getting worse and worse. I'm so tired of it. I've known I've felt this way since I was little. For those who don't know what social phobia/social anxiety is, it's a psychological problem where one is constantly afraid and thinking that they're always being watched & judged/thought of and it makes day-to-day life hard.
For example, I'm afraid to go to the grocery store alone. I'm afraid of walking down the street alone. I'm afraid of having to call someone or some place on the phone because I'm afraid of what the person will say or think when they pick up. I'm always telling myself that I don't need to worry, that no one's looking at me and thinking about me. But I can't help it. I get so scared and nervous. Plus I'll also get nauseous and my anxiety gets high. I've heard that cognitive-behavioral therapy works best for this sort of problem. I'm hoping that once I get back into the routine of school and work and can balance things without a problem that I'll find a therapist for help. I just know if I can get this this phobia problem fixed that it'll help with my depression and my blushing. .. well, I hope at least.
On another thought, I'm at school right now and I'm supposed to be thinking of a topic for my essay. I'm supposed to write about a certain group I belong to that the dominant culture may find as a "waste of potential" or don't provide any assets to the main society. But I'm supposed to be writing on how my "group" is misunderstood and just hasn't been viewed correctly and need to prove that my group isn't a "waste". For example, like, lets use the idea of potheads/pot smokers. Before I was in the same mind frame as the dominant culture. I thought people who smoked pot was stupid and wasting their lives, or were evil or didn't care about anything except drugs. But a couple of years ago I met this person who I'll refer to as M. M was so smart, hard working, funny, protective, open-minded... just a great person over all. I was so surprised when I found myself sitting in a room with him and he suddenly started smoking pot. I started thinking to myself : M isn't stupid... M isn't wasting this life... M isn't evil... and M told me he'd never do any other drugs except pot because he believes pot is safe. He suddenly started explaining all the statistics of how there are more alcohol-related accidents/deaths then there are of marijuana use. I soon realized that just because M smoked pot, he wasn't a bad person.
This is the type of essay I'm guessing we have to write. Something that shows the main part of society and how they view something as bad because they do not understand it, when in fact a certain group can actually prove to be intelligent and provide assets or talents to society.
I'm still not sure what I am going to write about. And with 12 minutes until class starts I'm most likely not going to know yet. But I guess it's time to head to class. Until later~ =)
Labels: life, problems, school
